I owe you an apology

Dear sweet baby, Mama is sorry.  I am sorry for the past two months, when I haven’t been as good a mama as I should have been.   We got  some potentiallyscary news at the doctor and rather than ignore it, I wallowed in it.  I let it envelop me for a good month.  But you didn’t precious Wee One, you are stronger than me.  You kept fighting even when I didn’t.  I resigned myself to The Worst.  But you sweet baby are The Best.  The best thing ever.

We went to the doctor and things looked good Wee One, and I got to see and hear your little heartbeat for the first time in 6 weeks, and there in the office, slimed up and all, it all came to me: that I have been holding back this whole pregnancy.  And I don’t want to do that Wee One, and I never want you to either, in any part of life.   So right there on the table, I sang these few lines that popped into my head:

“But I won’t hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I’m yours.”  (Courtesy Jason Mraz, “I’m Yours).

I’m still afraid Wee One, because I’ve never wanted anything so much, and I’m afraid of The Worst, so I’ve been concentrating on that.  But that day, the switch in my neurotic brain finally flipped.  I am not going to prepare for the worst–there is no such thing as being prepared for it.   All I can do is love you, sweet baby, and try my very best to grow you big and strong, and enjoy each day for what it is: another day I’m pregnant with you.  Like I said, you are The Best, and I am yours.


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